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Hello everyone! I'm new here so please forgive me. I have been reading up on bondage a lot lately and the thought of it really get's me hot and bothered. I know that I am what you would call submissive. Sex with my boyfriend is amazing but I want more. I want something different. I know that I sound very selfish right now but I just don't want our love life and our relationship to fizzle out. We've been together now for about 5 years.

The problem is that my boyfriend doesn't seem to have any interest in it at all. I have talked to him about it and he said it's really not his thing. What do I do to get him to try? I know that I don't want to change him but, like I said, I get really turned on by the thought of bondage and I really want to at least try. I do love my boyfriend and I don't want to call it quits with him just because we have different preferences. I also don't want our relationship to die because I'm bored. HELP!

Hey Chelsea! From my experience, a leopard does not change his spots. Trying to force someone to change the way that they think is not always easy or the right thing to do.

That being said, if you are intent on trying to change his thinking there are a few suggestions that I have for you. They may not work tho so please don't blame me if it does not work for your relationship.

If I were in your shoes, and I have been, I would start by talking to him about what you want AND how it makes you feel. Most of the time, I tend to keep my feelings to myself and sometimes I realize later that I should have done a better job at expressing my own feelings rather than let them fester and grow. Talking is always the best option.

Next - You could try to use a little psychology. Start small and ask him what you should wear to dinner... WHATEVER he picks, wear it. Let him pick where you will go out to dinner, even if it's something that you don't like to eat, and what movie you are going to see. Slowly start giving him the "winning" side of the argument and slowly start to empower him. Chose his decisions over yours without giving him an argument or goading him into seeing things your way. Remember, Rome wasn't built in a day and it may take time to build up his assertiveness. Over time, he will start to take more control on his own without you forcing him to do it.

Lastly, SEX! Make sure that he knows that you like what he is doing to you. Talk it up, tell him how much you love it! Roll your eyes, moan a little and let him know that he is the biggest and best lover that you have ever been with. Start to build up his confidence in bed and he may surprise you with how he reacts to that ego boost. By nature, men are very self conscious about their sexual prowess and size and ability do matter to them. Even id they dont outwardly show it, I can guarantee you that they are self conscious. Play into that and see what happens.

I hope that this helps and I hope that you do not give up on a meaningful relationship. Good men are hard to find. Please let us know how this works out for you.

Well said Gagged!

The only thing that I would add is that open lines of communication between partners is paramount to any relationship. If you cannot talk to the one that you are with, you may be with the wrong one. Trust is another big issue for me. Before handing over any control, make sure that the person that you are giving it to is someone that you trust wholeheartedly. That goes for any relationship, really.

If your house does not have a good foundation, it will crumble. Work on the foundation of your relationship first.

@Gagged - Thank you for your advice! I know that trying to change someone is hard and I really don't want my boyfriend to "change". I just want him to at least try to see if it is something that he likes. If he doesn't like it - I will stop pushing the issue.

I've never been any good at psychology but I think that your suggestions are a good start. I will give it a try and start to empower him. We will see where that leads first. If not, I don't want to lose a good duy so I will just try to be happy with who I have.

@MasterMatt - Thank you for your advice sir! I know that I need to work on my communication as well. This will be a good start for me. I do trust him, but I know that we could still be a stronger couple if we build on that trust.

Gagged, This is great advice! I however have seen firsthand that it is harder to introduce someone to this lifestyle that you would think. If someone is not already interested, their heart my just not be in it.

Another thing to consider is that BDSM generally scares people that are not familiar with it. A lot of books and movies lately have helped to spread the light into our corner of the universe and that has helped with how the general "Vanilla" public views us. The problem is that many of the books and movies, Fifty shades for example, are so inaccurate in their portrayal of reality that they have housewives running to the hardware store to get rope and duct tape so they can live the same life as the books.

My advice to you would be to start out slow and explain things to him. But be aware that if this is not something that he is interested in, he may never "change his thinking".

Please let us know how this works out for you!

UPDATE: I sat down with my boyfriend and has a serious talk about sex and what i like and what he likes. Turns out, we have very different needs. Jason is a great guy and he treats me like a queen.... I just don't know what to do now. I know that if I stay with him, I could be happy but there will always be something "missing" from my life. I know that I cannot change his views and I don't really want to change him per-say, I just know that I will always wonder what if...

Maybe I'm just being selfish.

It sounds like you have a tough decision to make. I don't know what I would do if I were in your shoes. Good men are hard to find as it is. Just make sure that you give it some serious thought before you make a decision. I'm sorry that we could not have been more help but it's difficult to change someone and not always the best idea to try.

Thank you all for your advice. I think that I am just going to try to make our relationship work and stick to the self bondage to satiate my needs. I don't want to give up on our relationship and I will try to make the vanilla lifestyle work. I may or may not try a little bit of that psychology stuff though.

All of your suggestions have been really helpful and I'm glad that I asked for your advice. I was a little bit afraid to ask but this group is awesome. Thank you to everyone that chimed in.

Chelsea wrote:I was a little bit afraid to ask but this group is awesome. Thank you to everyone that chimed in.

That's exactly why this group was formed. So that we have a safe place to talk and can be open with each other. I'm glad that you feel that you got the advice and answers that you were looking for. I hope that other members of this form can feel that this is a safe place as well.